Friday, March 12, 2010

The Real World... not just a show on MTV

Why haven’t you written in your blog? How are you doing? What’s going on?

I thought I was fine. I knew things were different, but I was okay. I went to work everyday. I came home. I was fine.

But, I didn’t want to write about what was going on in Mexico anymore. I think I didn’t want people to see that my perspectives had changed. Before, Mexico had been a place that I had yearned for, had fought for, and had loved. Now, well, it’s different. I still love it but the way I see things is no longer through those rose colored glasses that I had seen it through before. I knew Mexico was dangerous and I knew that I had to be careful but I still saw it as the land of Mariachis, tequila, fresh tortillas, and the beloved Spanish language. I felt like I couldn’t’ just write about my crazy adventures because I’d be lying. Underneath it all, I was battling a ghost.

This ghost, my Fear, had begun to make my decisions for me. I didn’t go to several of the places that I used to go to because I was too scared to… they were too close to, on the way to, or in the general neighborhood of where my friends and I got held up. It took me about 3 months to even realize this.

Today I am sitting at the old Starbucks I used to come to all of the time to hopefully catch a glimpse of one of my Mexican loves (the actors that I’m in love with). I haven’t been here since November because to get here I have to walk by the street, only about 2 or 3 blocks from where a guy pointed a gun at me. I told myself yesterday, “Tomorrow you are going to that Starbucks. You are going there and you are going to blog. You are going to start leading your life and stop letting Fear do it.” Well, I made it here. Step one accomplished.

I think my recent realizations of the way I had been living my life since the robbery has helped me start to see Mexico the way I used to. I don’t think I’ll ever get back the innocence of it because, apart from some money, my innocence and my sense of security are what they took from me. I see Mexico now more realistically. I know that dangerous things happen here because it happened to me. But, like any true love, you need to learn to love the person (or place) for who they really are. Take the good and the bad. I’m hoping that my love for Mexico at the end of this journey is strengthened by the fact that I love Mexico for what it really is, not just what I had thought, had seen in movies, or had heard from friends.

My last blog was about how I was using running to cope with the hard times. I remember feeling that way; that I had achieved so much by learning how to cope. I felt like I had all of the answers. Just when I thought I knew how to handle my difficulties, I was thrown a curveball and a fastball at the same time. How do you hit that? I was recently asked, “What have you learned from this experience so far?” Wow… I was surprised when I didn’t have the words. I have learned so much that I can’t even begin to express it. One of those things is how strong I am. Many things have happened to make this year a challenge for me, but here I sit. I’m writing about it. I’m okay.

I know that things aren’t necessarily going to get easier in my last 4 months here, nor will they continue to be easy once I get home (I have been reading about schools in California…. Oh, my), but I am learning that I am the one who decides how I’m going to handle every challenge, every curveball, and every fastball. I am the one who will either allow Fear to rule my life or not. Today I decided to take the lead.

2 comments:

  1. You're awesome. Yup, you are. I bet that experience was very scary, but it sounds like you are processing it all very well and learning so much on the way. Hang in there, and take care of yourself!

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  2. Your thoughts really remind me of my experience last year- you go in with so many hopes, thinking that you know there will be ups and downs, but wanting to fall in love with the country, but some of the gritty reality that hits you is not lovable. There's a lot I don't miss about Mexico, but this month I've been missing living there more than others - so enjoy those 4 months! :) Reed

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